Am I Beautiful?

I believe that my story resembles the story of many women. I had a good, no great childhood. My parents loved me and I knew it. I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 3 and have walked with Him since. Nothing huge or horrible happened to me, and yet somewhere, somehow I was wounded just as everyone is wounded. Somewhere along the line satan convinced me that my struggle with weight made me ugly and undesirable. Most of the time I would act confident so no one would know what I really thought. If I was honest with myself I was self conscious all the time. There were days when I had to force myself to walk out the door because I didn't want anyone to see me. I would avoid sitting around people because my stomach was easier to hide while standing. Anytime I was complimented I made an excuse in head for why it was not true. When my husband would tell me how beautiful I am I would think "yeah, but he loves me, of course he thinks I'm beautiful". I never believed any of it. I never realized just how much it affected EVERYTHING in my life. So, I lived my life never really happy with who I was, and definitely not happy with how I looked.

The time came for the women’s retreat at my church. I’m never very excited about the retreats, and this time was no exception. I got sick the week before the retreat and decided I should not go. The morning of the retreat God made it very clear I need to go and so I went.

The retreat was about breaking the lies that you have believed and receiving that freedom God has for you. Wow, talk about being tailored just for me! The first meeting we had I realized I was not going to be able to skate my way through the retreat; I would have to allow myself to be changed. You may wonder why I said I would HAVE to allow myself to be changed. You see, I don’t like emotional exercises or sharing intimate things with people. I prefer to keep those things to myself, but I knew that would not be possible here. I decided that as long as I was there I may as well go along with it.
One of the things we were asked to do was write down the lies with which we have made an agreement. My lies were that I’m not beautiful and I’m not worth the time. These lies did not surprise me, I knew I believed them and I knew they were lies. My head knew they were lies, but my heart still believed them. The next day we were sent outside to have a conversation with God about our lies. When the speaker explained what we were supposed to do I immediately thought “I can try, but He won’t speak to me. Why would He? There are so many women here who deserve His attention more than I”. As soon as I thought that I was reminded of my lie and so, although I didn’t think it would work I decided to give it a shot. I found a spot at a picnic table and sat down, thinking that I would just sit there until the time was up and then go back inside just the same way I came out. As I sat there, I remembered that I decided I was going to TRY to do the exercises I was asked to do. So, I sat there trying to figure out what I would ask God. Suddenly the question popped into my head. For the next 20 minutes God was closer to me that ever before. I actually did have a conversation with God! The details of our conversation are between him and me however the outcome I will share. As God and I chatted about the lies I had believed about myself a song came to mind. I heard the song for the first time at The Inn and I loved it.

The song goes like this:

Lord, it was You who created the heavens.
Lord, it was Your hands that put the stars in their place.
Lord, it is Your voice that commands the morning
Even oceans and their waves bow at Your feet.

Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?
Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?

I am Your beloved, Your creation,
And You love me as I am.
You have called me chosen for Your kingdom
Unashamed to call me Your own.
I am Your beloved.

One day as I was singing it, I realized that I didn’t believe what the song said. Who am I compared to God’s glory and majesty? I’m nothing! How can I sing that I am His beloved when I’m nothing? From that point on anytime the song came into my head I was reminded that I did not believe that I was God’s beloved. Satan used the song to continue to drill the lies deeper and deeper.

As I sang the song that day at the retreat something happened, I actually believed what I was singing. At some point during the song the knowledge that God made me beautiful and that He desires to spend time with me changed. It went from knowing it in my head to truly believing it in my heart. I went from a woman who was so self-conscious that I wanted to hide all the time to being a woman who doesn’t care who sees me or what people think of me because my Father made me beautiful and He loves me JUST THE WAY I AM! I was FREE! Free to be me! I didn’t know just how much my lies affected my whole life and everything I did until God broke the lies and I saw the truth. I may not seem very different to people who know me. As I said before, I pretended to be confident because I didn’t want anyone to know. The difference is, now I am not pretending. God made me the way I am, on purpose. I am beautiful. I am God’s beloved!